The Bella Diaries: Tales of a Vampire Munchie
by OnigiriReject
Summary: Twilight from the POV of Bella's diary. Complete satire/humor, don't take it seriously. Ever wondered how the books would sound from Bella's perspective if it was as one-dimensional as she was? Only Twilight, not the others Yet !


Hey, this is OnigiriReject. First off, if you're reading this because you loved my other story, DSMB, then I'm sad to say this isn't South Park, nor is it romance, it's one hundred percent satire.

Secondly, I do not like Twilight. Please do not flame me for this, this is just my response to the atrocious movie. I liked the first book, but felt the series went completely down hill afterward, and this whole thing is just a big joke. If you can't take the joke, then please refrain from reading it. It's for shits and giggles only. :D

That said, if you decide to actually read my take on Twilight, then keep reading.

Much love, OnigiriReject

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Dear Diary,

This is my first day in the little town of Forks in the middle of nowhere. My mommy didn't want me anymore, so she dropped me off at my good-for-nothing dad's house. My new life begins today!

I shall make no reference to my past life before Forks because I didn't have one! I didn't have friends, all I know is I used to life in Florida… no wait, it was California? No… ARIZONA!! Somewhere.

ANYWAY I am writing this in case I die in this tiny town for some inexplicable reason, because apparently really weird things will happen in small towns.

I'll be careful!

Love- Bella

PS: I hope I meet some really hot mysterious guys. 

Dear Diary,  
I met a really hot guy! His name is Jacob, apparently he's a Native American. I can tell because his hair is long… and that means he's an accurate representation of Native Americans. I also got a car! It stinks.

Loving-Jacob, Bella 3

Dear Diary,

Today was my first day at the new school! A lot of people were really nice to meee, most of the boys were staring down my front and it made me feel welcome. 

Although, I THINK I'M IN LOVE!!!

There was this SUPER hot guy that I didn't talk to, I saw him in the cafeteria and some random girl who has no point in my story told me his name was Edward Cullen.

And guess what, HE'S IN MY BIOLOGY CLASS! I got to sit next to him, it was awesome. He didn't talk to me though… he looked sick. I should bake him cookies to get well! :D

LOVELYYYYY, Bella

The future Mrs. Cullen

Dear Diary,

My life is over. The cookies failed, my dad ate them, and Edward wasn't at school! 

I'm gonna go write fan fiction to feel better.

Depressed, Bella

Dear Diary,

He's not here… what's the point in my life without him?

Oh my darling Edward, I HAVE NO PERSONALITY WITHOUT YOU!!

-Lifeless Bella

Dear Diary,

…

-

Dear Diary,

OMG HE'S BACK HE'S BACK HE'S BACK!

Edward was back today and he smiled at me and talked to me and stared at me like a stalker and listened in on my conversations and smelled me and it was AMAZING!!!

His gold eyes are… indescribable. His whole existence is indescribable! That's the only word for it… Because I have no talent as an author to describe people well.

Indescribable.

I'm loving my life, Bella

Dear Diary,

Edward is looking at me all the time now… he's so gorgeous I think I'll melt! How can someone so perfect be human?!

PS: Why don't I have any hobbies? I should take up karate, then I might not be such an obvious victim for rape.

HI-YAH!-Bella

Dear Diary,

While contemplating karate lessons, I was almost hit by this black kid driving a truck, but Edward saved me! He's like superman!! First he wasn't there, and then he was… this could only mean one thing…

He's actually… Harry Potter. It would make so much sense!

And he pushed the car away and was right next to me and I could feel his breath and I almost fainted! 

I mean, yeah my dad was freaking out and the teachers were all "OMG" and the random black kid kept trying to apologize, but it was obvious he was a token character so I didn't see the point in listening. The only thing I cared about was EDWARD!!!

Mr. Edward Cullen… you=hotness on a stick.

Still alive another day, Bella

Dear Diary,

EDWARD WAS TOTALLY JUST STANDING IN MY ROOM!!!

Well… okay I took three Tylenol and was totally dreaming, but HE WAS IN MY ROOM!! I'll believe it!! Dreaming is believing!!

2 am, Bella

Dear Diary,

Edward told me we shouldn't be friends.

I'm going to go kill myself.

-Bella

Dear Diary,

Apparently holding your breath doesn't work- you just pass out.

Apparently I'm really hot.

I mean, my name is Bella Swan, which technically means beautiful swan, and there are three guys mooning over me at school, but I totally didn't think I was hot.

The jock, the nerd and the black kid all asked me to the prom, but I found a way out of saying no. I just can't take anyone less than Edward Cullen- totally below my standards.

Edward asked me why I turned them all down, but he couldn't hear them because he was so far away.

He has SUPER hearing. Adding that to list of qualities a boyfriend must have.

Boyfriend must have:

Good looks

Super Strength

Really fast

GORGEOUS 3

Super hearing

Love, BELLAAAA

Dear Diary,

Edward totally abducted me in his car today, and we bonded over music and small talk.

I think I'm in love.

BELLA CULLEN

DEAR DIARY,

WE'RE GOING TO SEATTLE! WE'RE GOING TO SEATTLE! WE'RE GOING TO SEATTLE~

TO ELOPE!!

Oh I knew Edward couldn't resist my charms for long! HE SHALL BE MINE!

So EXCITED, BELLA 

DeAr dIaRy,

I SAT WITH EDWARD AT LUNCH!!

I ditched all the minor characters and we hungggg outtttt and it was amazingggg!!!

I told him I thought he was bitten by a radioactive spider… he laughed at me. 

It made me sad… now I really do think he's Harry Potter!!

I should ask him how he's dealing with Dumbledore's death- he must be traumatized!!

Caring about his feelings, BELLA aka GINNY!!

Dear Diary,

He… carried me like a princess to the clinic… it made me so happy…

All because I saw blood! It's not my fault I'm so weak and stereotypically feminine! And he's stereotypically perfect manly man!!

Oh… I think I need to lie down. I'm too weak and womanly to get angry.

Sickly Bella (What else is new?)

Dear Diary,

I invited Edward to come hang with me and the other minor characters at a local Indian Reservation… at the beach with a bunch of Indians. Wait, they're Indians right? Or Native Americans? People say that they're Native Americans, but I can't tell the difference, so I just say Indians. Then the hot boy Jacob hit me. It hurt.

Anyway… I got to walk alone with JACOB 3 on the beach late at night… he's no Edward but GOD how silky his long black hair is… he's definitely Indi-NATIVE AMERICAN.

He told me a spooky ghost story about Cold people and Wolves. It was scary, so I held onto him. He seemed to enjoy that…

I don't know why that story pertains to mine, but we might see if the author gets on with the plot already.

Oh Jacob… you're no Edward. I'll tell him that scary story so I have an excuse to hold onto him now!!

SCARED T_T, Bella Black Cullen Slut

Dear Diary,

I really need to stop eating candy before I sleep… I had another weird dream. I mean, it was great because Jacob was tackling me and Edward was purring at me, but otherwise it was scary because Edward was trying to kill me and Jacob was hairy!!

Oh dear… I wonder how this will affect my life now.

-Bellzzzz

Dear Diary,

Because I obviously have nothing better to do with my life, I stayed up all night researching the Cold Ones the Indian told me about. Apparently they're vampire thingys. And somehow, through my research, I'm beginning to suspect Edward and the rest of the Cullens (Who I don't bother to remember) might be vampires.

I'm confused… Harry Potter's a vampire?

Dear Lord, something has gone horribly wrong. Why did my mom have to ditch me?!!

Scared Shitless, Bella aka the reject child

Dear Diary,

I'm currently in Port Angeles, dress shopping with some minor characters, the nerd and the blonde. Apparently I'm going to prom with the token black kid… I'm going to kill him. Or better yet, sick Edward, my almost boyfriend, on him.

Huh so I want to go to this creepy bookstore in the middle of nowhere, and leave my friends behind. I don't care about them and their dresses, I must have this book on vampire legends. I need to read up on my future husband!!

Wish me luck, Bella

Dear Diary,

There are these creepy looking guys trying to rape me.

I'll write back later.

HELP! Bella

Dear Diary,

EDWARD SAVED ME!!! AGAIN!! Oh he's too dreamy!!! These big guys were coming after me and I tried to run but I am just oh so clumsy so it didn't work and in came Edward with the vroom vroom and it was SPECACULAR!!  
In his car, I felt his hand, and it was freezing! Now I know what to get him for our 'anniversary'- I'm gonna knit him a sweater!! Poor cold baby!!

And we had dinner at a restaurant- he bought me munchies and I was so happy. Of course I went in the bathroom and puked it up right afterward, but he doesn't have to know. He says it's frustrating that he's not able to read my mind. Is he psychic? Adding that to boyfriend qualities…

I guess he's not a vampire after all- He's Professor X!!

I've always loved a man in wheelchair!

Love, Bella

Dear Diary,

He just dropped me off; he seemed really angry at those mean rapist guys. He said he wanted to hunt them down and kill them… oh dangerous psychopaths are so sexy!

He said he can hear people's voices… and he can't hear mine… I'm not sure if I am supposed to be happy or sad he doesn't hear my voice in his head. Then he told me that the Indians were right about them- and he drove at a really crazy speed!!! Over 100!! I feel so safe with him.

He admitted that he is indeed, a vampire. My only problem is that he's not seventeen. He says he's been seventeen for a while… hundreds of years? Does that mean I'm in love with a rotting corpse?!

Well… he's a sexy rotting corpse, that oughta count for something.

So, I've realized something diary, there are three things I'm absolutely positive about.

Edward is a vampire.

There is a part of him- I don't know how potent, that thirsts for my blood.

I unconditionally and irrevocably have lost all common sense.

Love, Bella, the limited edition Vampire Snack


End file.
